“I literally have no idea what you’re—”

“Your asteroid friends killed my dinos!” I say with a bit too much force, I’m guessing. Yup, my buzz can now officially be promoted to drunk.

“Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay. Yeah, I guess that’s… Wait. You’re mad at me for that?”

“Maybe.” 

“Huh.”

He takes a moment to consider his response. And then he shocks the hell out of me. 

“What else can I say to you then, other than… I am incredibly sorry, Calliope?”

“You’re what?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t think a guy has ever said that to me before.” 

“What. That he’s sorry?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“It’s pretty… um. Well, it’s… it’s kind of. It’s really sexy behavior.”

“Oh. Well, in that case… let me take it a step further then. I, Ralph Anderson, take full and complete responsibility for the death of your dinos.”

“Shut up, dude,” I say, laughing.

“No, no, really! Had I known that a massive asteroid would strike this planet and wipe out the creatures you so dearly love, and if I had the power to go back in time and stop it… I would.” 

“Well, how in the hell would you have done that? That’s impossible. That’s—”

“Hey, Callie?” 

“Yeah?”

“Go with me here, will ya? I’m letting myself be unscientific and non-literal for just a minute.”

“You called me Callie.”

“I did. Is… that okay?”

“Nobody really calls me that. But, yeah. It’s okay.”

“Cool,” he says with a smile. “So, Callie. I guess what I would have to do… You know, after I time traveled back a few millennia—”

“A few?”

“Alright, more than a few. I’d have to invent a rocket since they wouldn’t be invented just yet, shoot myself up to the heavens, then circle the Earth’s atmosphere until I could hitch a ride on that bastard ball of flaming rock dead set for your dinos. I would latch onto it with my brute strength and push that mammoth motherfucker off course until it found some other planet and some other life form to obliterate. Then I’d fall back to Earth like a feather, land back on a cozy couch with you and our pet, Troodon, since Troodon is obviously and by far the most precious dinosaur to ever walk the planet, and we’d watch Friends, drink Yoo-hoo, and laugh our asses off together until the day we died a peaceful non-apocalyptic death.” 

This. Guy.

“Uggadah-uggadah. Woo!”

“What was that? Did you just do a little jig?”

“Of course not. I just had a-a, uh…. a charley horse situation.”

“Really? I thought those only happened when people were sleeping.” 

“Oh no, they can happen anytime.” 

“Huh.”

Truth? I was so turned on by him at that moment, I did a lusty little leg shake to get those warm and fuzzy feelings moving right back where they came from. 

Full disclosure? 

It didn’t work.